I remember the first time I found a woman sexually attractive: she was a teacher at my high school, and she had the most fantastic breasts I’d ever seen. I was fifteen. I remember stopping and thinking, these are the same feelings that boys give me. I didn’t talk about it with anybody for a very, very long time. Some of my friends still don’t know for sure; although I’m sure most (if not all of them) suspect it; I do talk about boobs a lot. If it comes up in conversation with a stranger, I will mention it, otherwise I don’t really go around advertising it. This is because I have encountered some of the most absolutely ridiculous questions, and I am a little tired of answering them.

It’s not that I hate the people asking the questions, it’s just that I cannot believe people are still being so willfully in the dark about something as basic as your garden variety bisexual. There are a lot of bisexual myths out there that someone needs to address. So I am going to take this chance to educate some minds, and hopefully keep at least a handful of people from shoving their feet in their mouths. Unless that’s what you’re into.

Bisexuals don’t actually exist, or, “You just haven’t found the right man yet,” or, “It’s just a phase you’re going through.”

Oh, you know what? You’re totally right. I haven’t been able to find a dick to stick in me, so I’ve broadened my search to include women as well, just in case. Believe me, I’ve found the ‘right man’ about ten times. I’ve also found the ‘right woman’, and, once, the ‘right pizza’. In case you’re wondering, it was in Italy, and if it were legal to marry a pizza, I would have.The thing is, bisexuality isn’t always easy for people to grasp. They get gay and straight, because they know that you either like one or the other – there is no grey area, no questions, and it’s very straightforward. And no matter how much I explain that I’d just as soon fuck a woman as I would a man, people still give me dubious looks and start all of their sentences with, “Yeah, but…”Just stop. I’m twenty-seven; I know who I am, I know what I am, and I am comfortable with it. For friends and family, shouldn’t that be enough?

I understand the curiosity, and I welcome questions, but asking the same things and making the same statements ad infinitum isn’t going to change my answers or cause me to have a sudden epiphany where I realize that I am actually straight and that my bisexuality was ‘just a phase’. Allow me to be very, very clear: this was not a choice. I was born like this. It is hardwired into me. I am happy with it. I am comfortable with my sexual identity. Now can we please, collectively, move on?

Everyone assumes you’re always up for a threesome, or you’re ‘being greedy’.

Yes, all of this bisexuality has made me a raving sex addict who’s just looking for the next opportunity to jump into bed with anything that moves. Look out, men, I’m coming for your wives! Stay alert, women, I’m going to steal your husband with my bisexual wiles! Christ, just typing that hurt my brain.No, I don’t want to help spice up your shitty marriage. No, I don’t frantically scroll through my phone every night trying to find someone – anyone! – to fuck. No, I am not promiscuous, I do not want to make out with your girlfriend in front of you, I don’t want to touch every boob I see, and I don’t find either of you attractive in the slightest. Stop. Bloody. Asking.

It’s just one step away from being gay!

I like penises, too, remember? Kind of difficult to be a convincing lesbian when you still get a kick out of those. Dating someone of the opposite sex automatically makes you straight.
Well, shit. Is that all it takes? Sign me up for the next sad speed dating night at Olive Garden, mama needs to conform to her socially accepted gender roles! Do I sound bitter? I’m not, I swear.I’ve had sex with men, and I’ve had sex with women. For the most part, aside from a few duds, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed it. I’m dating a guy right now, and before that I dated a guy, too. The last guy refused to believe I was bisexual because I was dating him (because he was heaven’s gift to women, I’m sure), and I did myself a disservice by not sitting him down and explaining that, had it not been him, I would’ve ended up with the woman I’d had my eye on who worked the grill at the steakhouse down the street. The guy I’m dating now is understanding, curious, communicative, and supportive – which are the best qualities you could ask for in a partner, whether they’re male or female (or pizza).

So…you like both genders equally, right?

This is perhaps one of the biggest misconceptions straight people have about bisexuality. They want everything to fit neatly into categories, so that it can be defined and equal and comforting and easy to understand. When I’m asked if I prefer men or women, I always answer ‘men’, because it’s true…which usually is followed by a pleased smile from the question-asker and the statement, “Well, then you’re straight.” Again, allow me to reiterate in the clearest way possible: nope.

I sound bitter and sarcastic and jaded, probably because of the massive amounts of sheer crap I’ve gone through as a bisexual woman. A lot of the pain and suffering I endured, I endured silently and alone, for many, many years. However you define yourself, whether you’re straight, gay, bisexual, pansexual, transsexual, omnisexual, skoliosexual, or pizzasexual, you should never be forced to feel uncomfortable or ashamed of who you are. Surround yourself with people who care about you, people who love you for you. Those people will lift you up and make you feel like the wonderful person you are. Look at me, getting all sentimental.

Now get off my lawn.