¹al·ly

verb \ə-ˈlī, ˈa-ˌlī\: to join (yourself) with another person, group, etc., in order to get or give support

(Merriam-Webster dictionary)

Coming out can be one of the toughest things you could ever do as a gay person. In most coming out scenarios the first person we (being those of us who are LGBT) tell is our best friend. You don’t get to choose all of your family but with your friends you have more control and expect a certain level of support. Hopefully, your friend is completely and utterly supportive because they care about you as a friend and know that you coming out won’t change a thing for them specifically. This being said, sometimes your friends may go overboard. Turn your friend into your straight ally!

You don’t want them to be homophobic obviously but at the opposite end of the spectrum, it can be stressful if they are going around telling everybody that they now have a gay best friend. Your sexual orientation now becomes prominent and evidently defines your personality when in the past it was never even mentioned.  Whats the best way to gain a straight ally during this coming out period?

The first step is to realize how they are thinking when you tell them. They want to support you but you but chances are they might not know exactly how to do that. You’ll want them to fall in line with your own schedule. Make sure that you tell your friend if you are not ready to tell other people. Make you sure you are really clear about whether or not it needs to be a secret.

The second step may include a reality check. Often, gay stereotypes can dehumanizes a person. You are no longer you, rather a conglomerate of stereotypes. Even if you do not exhibit stereotypical traits, how others perceive you can change. Explain to your friend that only your sexual orientation has changed (unless you find other changes are needed). People changing can also cause rifts, if you’re going to tell them give them a walk-through of how your life is different. Also, follow with an inside joke that knits you back together after such a shocking revelation. People in general resist change so make any possible transition easier on them.

It’s important to let them know if you want to marathon “Bound” or if you don’t really want to start watching “But I am a Cheerleader”. It’s important if you don’t want the first thing they say to new people to be. “This is my friend____, she’s a lesbian!”

They may insist on offering advice and it may be utterly vapid. Their advice might get frustrating. They aren’t able to comprehend the emotional metamorphosis you are going through and they want to help. Attend events in your local gay community together but remember to not ignore the things you’ve always enjoyed doing together. When you involve a friend remember that you’re not looking for an advocate or someone to fight battles for you but you just want a friend.

As it is with any relationship, communication is key. If you feel like your friend is acting overly allied and it’s making you feel uncomfortable then bring them out for a Starbucks Holiday Drink (..or a beer… or eight shots of vodka, just kidding on that one!) and tell them how much you appreciate their support but you’re not ready to dive into everything yet. Tell them you love them and they are the best friend you could ever possibly have. Remember, you live your life on your timetable and any true friend will respect and support what you do.